The 4 C’s of Courageous Conversations

I first came across the term courageous conversation some years ago when I first heard David Whyte speak. At the time I was struck by what this meant and it forced me to think about where I had had a courageous conversation, if at all!

I realised I had and more importantly I recognised that there was one I was avoiding, and that was a conversation with myself.

My invitation to you, today, is to consider the same question. With whom do you need to have a courageous conversation?

Where are things not proceeding the way you want them to go? Where do you need to step in and stop the conversation that you are having now – even though you don’t know where to go next?

In considering this it could be with someone at work, someone at home, someone in your community, if you are running a business it may be a conversation with your business, or it could be a conversation with yourself.

It’s not your every day conversation

• It’s a conversation that you have to be really present for.
• It’s a conversation where you have to speak candidly, without any defensiveness.
• It’s a conversation where you face reality.

The fact that it’s called courageous implies that there is an element of danger either for you, or the person or people you will be talking to.

And … as we are all unique human beings, danger can mean many things to many people ranging from; giving someone some feedback that you know they are not going to like hearing; to loosing your job; and ultimately through to life or death scenarios (although this is rare in many organisations today).

To help you prepare for this conversation here are the 4 C’s to consider:

Courage: You have to be brave and stand up and make it happen.  Face reality, challenge assumptions, including your own, and have the courage to ask the question no one else wants to.

Confidence: Be self-assured and know that the time is right.  In the words of Martin Luther King “the time is always right to do what is right.” Be confident to sit with silence that may arise and to ‘not know’ where to go or what the solution is.

Control: You have to be in control of your emotions, which means you have to be present in the here and now, centred and calm. Be curious not judgemental, and speak candidly without creating defensiveness, so that what you say is delivered in a way that feels positive.

Choice: This runs through all of the 3 C’s above. You are at choice in all that you do:

• Choose to be courageous
• Choose to be confident
• Choose to be in control of your emotions
• Choose to have the conversation

Courageous conversations foster creativity; strengthens relationships and more importantly allows you to be the leader in your life.

Good luck! I’d love to hear how you get on.

"It's not the day you have to manage... but the moment. It's not the dragon you have to slay, but the fear. And it's not the path you have to know, but the destination."

Mike Dooley

Four Simple Questions to Help you Build Resilience

How do you deal with setbacks?

Do you:

1. Roll over and think ‘that’s it  - it’s too hard, might as well give up now'.
2. Decide to roll your sleeves up, get stuck in and push through.
3. Throw a tantrum and create a drama out of it.

My guess is you may have done all of these at various stages of your life in differing circumstances depending on your level of emotional engagement and maturity. And, hopefully, you’ve learned to handle setbacks a little differently now.

I came across a great quote the other day which I think sums this up:

“ Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” Steve Maraboli

Of course there is a choice with this – you have to choose to grow stronger and be more resilient so that you thrive rather than survive from one crisis or setback to another.

It’s your capacity to respond constructively to adversity that builds your resilience. It’s not about coping or surviving but about harnessing the opportunities that lie within the situation and your own capability.

Are you reacting to what life throws at you or are you responding to what life throws at you? The latter is the one that will allow you to grow so I thought I’d also share Paul Stoltz CORE questions which are designed to help you build resilience:

Control – What facets of the situation can I/we/you potentially influence?

Ownership – How can I/we/you step up to make the most immediate, positive difference?

Reach – What can I/we/you do to minimise the potential downside? Maximise the potential upside?

Endurance – What can I/we/you do to get past this as quickly as possible? 

The next time you are faced with a setback take a step back and take time to respond rather than react and consider what is it trying to tell me? Which of the above questions can I apply to move forward?

“Persistence and resilience only come from having been given the chance to work through difficult problems.”

Gever Tulley

Skills to Rely on When your Best Communication Efforts Fail

Communicating what you want to say in the most appropriate way is an art form.  I’ve also learned, through lots of good and not so good experiences, that it’s a continual journey of discovery.

No two situations are identical, no two people are the same and it’s very easy for us to get stuck in a mode of doing what we have always done because it’s easy.

Is it any wonder that things go wrong? People misinterpret what we say and this can lead to the wrong actions being taken and the person or people on the receiving end being offended, confused or filling in the gaps in some way.

So what can you do to put things back on track?

Take 100% Responsibility

The very first thing you can do is take 100% responsibility for your communication. It may well be that the person misinterpreted what you were saying and the question still remains - how could you have made your message clearer?

In my last blog I mentioned intention vs. impact. Did the impact (result) of your communication match what you intended? If not, then it really is your responsibility to ‘put things right’. Only you know what you are trying to say and the result you were hoping to achieve.

Start by asking your self these questions:

1. What aspect of what I was communicating was misunderstood?
2. Was it the content I miss-communicated or was it the way I communicated it? Consider here both the method you used and the tone with which it was delivered.
3. Did I consider the person on the receiving end? Their level of knowledge, experience, style and way of working.

Having asked these questions one of two things are likely to result:

• You re-communicate admitting you mistakes or new insights, or
• You apologise

Whichever is required ensure you give some considered thought in what you say. Here are a few tips to help you on your way.

Effective apology

An effective apology needs to be sincere and specific, so be clear about what you are apologising for as generic apologies can come across as insincere. This is not about you ‘taking the blame’ it is simply acknowledging the impact of what you have or haven’t communicated. It’s not about excuses either!!

Re-Communicate

        

Take a moment and revisit the situation so that you can clarify exactly what you meant to say.  When our emotions get in the way, they can create obstacles to understanding and get us off the message we are really trying to convey.

Revisit the situation with your colleague or colleagues to clarify your message.

If you know the way you communicated is the cause of the breakdown offer a solution while acknowledging your development point. A development point is a personal challenge that you may be working to manage or overcome, which admittedly may have only been brought to your attention through this incident.  For instance, if you have a tendency to get impatient when you are nearing a deadline, you may be working on finding ways to keep a proper perspective so that you don’t create an uncomfortable environment for yourself and others.  Your impatience is your development point, and you must acknowledge it when you are looking to ‘build bridges’.

"Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." 

Miguel Angel Ruiz 

Navigating Conflict in the Workplace

Most of us shy away from conflict and back off or avoid the situation if it feels like it might be confrontational. Yet, conflict is inevitable in organisations if you view conflict as a different point of view!

As humans our greatest gift is our ability to think and speak. This means we will form our own opinions and have something to say – yet we get surprised or annoyed or irritated or irked or intimidated or … when someone disagrees with our point of view.

This can often act as a trigger and cause us to re-act rather than stop and consider where the other person is coming from.

Conflict is a Gift

Conflict, or differing points of view, can be the starting point of creating a better solution, better product or better way of working. So, how can we train ourselves to treat it as such?

A starting point might be around our own mindset and instead of instantly re-acting to what has been said maybe we need to re-purpose around the relationship you want to have.

When I’m working with leaders around influence and impact there are 2 questions I often ask:

1. Does your intention match your impact?
2. What outcome do you want from the relationship?

I ask the first question because we often judge ourselves by our intention and we judge others by the impact they have on us. It’s rare that someone will consider their own impact given the individual or audience they have in front of them.

I ask the second question so that you can consider where the relationship is and consider where you may want to take it. Start with at least maintaining the relationship at its current position and at best building the relationship.

Considering both of these questions will inform you on the approach most likely to achieve the outcome and impact you desire.

The Art of Listening

Listening truly is an art as there are many things we can pay attention to in both your audience and more importantly YOU.

You are the only person you are in control of. So pay attention to what is happening to you as well as your audience, tuning into the following areas:

• Words – Listen to the words, tone, timbre and pitch
• Emotion – What do you see and hear that gives some indication of the mood or emotion that is present?
• Physiology – What do you notice about the way they sit, stand, move, and breathe?
• Energy – What are you picking up energetically?

As you are doing this be curious, ask questions, suspend your own judgement, solicit input and check your understanding by summarising what you are hearing.

I know all of this sounds simple, and it is – as long as you practice.

So to summarise;

A – ask questions, listen, and get curious

S – summarise what you hear, solicit information, suspend judgement

K – Keep practicing 

If you have a difficult situation at works that you need some support with please get in touch to set up a call. Email me at Dawn@aurora4success.co.uk.

“Amid this constant surge of information, attention has become our most precious asset.”

Jocelyn Glei

Riding the Waves of Change – 3 Coping Strategies

We all know that change is ever present in our work and daily lives and it may

feel like there is very little restpite between one change piece and another. The more senior you are in an organisation the more frequent the waves occur it’s just the scale that may be different.

The art and skill for us all is how to best manage this ‘ride’ with relative ease.

Sadly, there is no silver bullet. If only……. There is, however, some things we can all do to manage ourselves as we address each day. If you can manage yourself you will be in an even better position to manage what is happening around you.

Here are my top 3 tips:

Breathe

Breathing is something we all take for granted. It happens automatically. However, when we are ‘stressed’ or under pressure it’s one of the first things that will change. It becomes shallower and higher up in our chest.

So, take a deep breath. In fact you may need to take several deep breaths and breath from your diaphragm. This helps you slow down and think a bit more clearly and be more present in the moment.

Observe

Lift your head up. This may sound a little strange, but I see so many people walking around looking at the floor ahead of them, or these days walking a reading their texts! You can’t observe what’s happening around you when you are looking down.

As a leader your role is to set direction and lead people in that direction.

Lifting your head up (literally and metaphorically) allows you to make sure you are heading in the right direction and can also see what is coming your way. Is the sea calm ahead or do you need to prepare for a storm? There may be times when you need to adjust your route and with your head raised you can see which route may be more appropriate.

Observing the landscape will also give you a better handle on how your people are performing:

• Who around you is coping and open to the change? How can you best utilise them?

• Who is the most vulnerable and how are they coping?

• Who is the most emotional and what exactly are they emotional about?Do you have people in the optimum position?

Being a great observer allows you to see what is actually happening and adapt your approach accordingly.

Be Open

When I talk about being open I mean be open on three levels:

1. Have an open mind – be open to others ideas and ways of doing things. Don’t try and predict what will happen next. 
2. Be open about what you think and feel – this may mean you saying that you don’t have an answer, that you’ve made a mistake as well as how motivated, excited or disappointed you might feel. 
3. By open physically – this links to lifting your head, as lifting your head will help you appear more open and approachable. In addition, consider how you are sitting or standing. Are you slouched? If you are, to others you won’t look open to ideas or approachable.  Be grounded and centred and face the direction of travel with confidence. People are more likely to follow you this way. 

Try them out. See how you get on and let me know how they work for you.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

Buddha

Where is Your Leadership Reinforcing Unhelpful Organisational Habits and Preventing Change?

We all know, or at least I hope we do. That it’s not the organisation that changes but the people who are in them who change. That’s either because the people change their behaviour or they leave and are replaced with new team members who have a better ‘fit’.

Creatures of Habit

We are all creatures of habit, which is why implementing anything new can be a challenge. As human beings we will always revert to our established way of doing things. Unless we make a conscious effort to change and practice something new, new habits are not built.

Our habits are our conditioned autopilot and whilst we may know what these are for ourselves are we consciously aware of what these are with in the organisation.

What habits are there in your organisation that as a leader you perpetuate?

Meetings are often the easiest place to start observing organisational habits:

Do you always have meetings with start with small talk before you get into the agenda?  

Is it OK for people to turn up late?

Is there a formal agenda and do you stick to it?

Do you set a time limit for the meeting?

Other habits may be:

When something goes wrong you look for someone to blame.

All new ideas are listened to and presented to a committee.

Elements of the dress code are not enforced.

The question when introducing something new is to decide which current habits are helpful and which are disruptive.

Signposting Change

What I see most organisations doing if they want a change in behaviour is make a statement that is generic such as, more customer focussed, or celebrate success, or value our people more, or more efficient…

This is great for pointing out the direction of travel, however what people need is more specific tangible instructions on what to do differently.

You may have the best strategy in the world, but if you haven’t considered the behaviour(s) that are required to support it you may not succeed.

Worse still if those behaviours are not present in your organisation, you can be sure the strategy will fail.

Building new Habits

If you are in a position where you are about to lead a change project or are about to implement something new here are 3 steps to take:

1. Identify the 5 most important routines (habits) that will enable the strategy to succeed? Get really specific about what these need to look like.
2. Consider what current organisational habits will support you and identify those that will limit you.
3. Then identify what specifically needs to change so you can clearly direct people on what is required.

I want to stress here this is about keeping things simple. If it’s over complicated you’re going to have trouble communicating with clarity. If there are too many changes for people to focus on behaviourally they’ll either give up or choose one that is less important for you and the change initiative.  

If you are struggling to get your head around this feel free to give me a call.

I can also recommend a great book on change management: Switch, by Chip and Dan Heath. They also have a very good website: www.switchthebook.com/resources

 

“Culture eats strategy for breakfast”

Peter Drucker

The One Thing Every Leader Needs to Consider when Leading Change

It’s some years since I actually led a change programme, however I have worked with many leaders in a coach/mentor capacity since then. Often the challenges facing them are around coordinating stakeholders, communicating appropriately, engaging others and grappling with what seems complex.

All of these are critical to success and I still find it staggering to read that a large percentage of change projects still fail, in that they either over run, over spend or fail to deliver the benefits promised.

What is always interesting is that any conversation I have had with leaders starts from the perspective of them looking out at the change initiative – the task and the people involved.

I don’t think I have ever heard any one start with the question of themselves…

• How to I need to be to lead and manage this?
• How do I need to adapt?
• What is my stretch going to be in this? 

Granted, those leading change initiatives are usually chosen because they have the skills and expertise, and I still think this is an important question.

As the leader part of your role is to model exactly what you expect from others and as change programmes can often be highly charged this role model challenge is heightened.

The person with the greatest flexibility will have the greatest influence.

So… my one thing for leaders to consider is how will you adapt.

Adaptability is crucial to survival. You just have to look at Charles Darwin’s research to see it is those animals that adapt to the changes around them that survive.

Learning how to lead is a life long journey not a one off course or leadership programme.

In this spirit of continuous learning, next time you are leading or even supporting a change programme ask yourself how you need to adapt?

What fine-tuning is required in your own behaviour?

“In the long history of humankind (and animal king too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.”

Charles Darwin