Meet the Gremlins

As a leader you have to set the tone and the standards in your environment.

When things are going well this seems easy and you make real progress. However, every once in a while we hit a bump in the road or a roadblock, and people, more often than not, create these.

It’s at times like these that you are tested. Can you keep your calm, credible persona and continue to maintain the tone and standards of behaviour you have established?

Easier said than done right? Particularly if you are under pressure to deliver something to a deadline or at a crucial part of the project when key decisions are to be made.

Dealing with these bumps and blockages (real or imagined) is about being able to step back and see the patterns rather than be sucked in to the whirlpool of emotions.

If you can see that all relationships have a pattern then you can begin to spot what is going on when relationships become a little ‘testing’.

• What role do you each take on?
• How are you stereotyping each other?
  
  
   

The Gremlins

Let me introduce you to 4 possible gremlins you may meet in these situations. These descriptions come from the work of Virginia Satir who identified 4 universal patterns of fear driven communication.

The Blamer –Gremlin number one tends to put fault on the other person and point a finger, making judgements about what is happening. This kills listening and understanding and can trigger defensive or aggressive behaviour in the receiver.

The Placator – This gremlin is likely to appease the other person to avoid anger, fear, being rejected, disliked and disagreed with. They can be seen as ‘yes men’, wanting to be everyone’s friend and won’t tell you that they disagree with you. The danger here is they could walk away and then share with others the degree to which they disagree and potentially sabotage your plans.

The Computer – The behaviour to look for here is someone hiding behind words and ignoring any threats, hoping they’ll go away. They can come across as super reasonable as they have all the data and may hide behind this insisting on being correct. After all accuracy is king!

The Distracter – These tend to hide by changing the subject and change their minds even faster, so may seem unfocused. They dramatise and can be exhausting to deal with and it may feel like you’ve been hit by a whirlwind. Keeping people confused covers up their uncertainty.

So now that you have some indicators to be able to spot these gremlins how can you begin to stop them from disrupting your path?

Leading the way

Gremlins are triggered by fear, fear of being left out, fear of being out of control, feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, not recognised…

If you can keep your head and begin to recognise these behaviours you build your flexibility and ability to influence. So, here are my suggested steps to get these relationships back on track. 

• Self-management. The moment you feel your own gremlin(s) starting to surface – STOP! Press the pause button, take a step back and focus on what is actually happening externally. It’s rarely personal so look at the situation objectively. 

• Get curious. See things for what they are and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you were them, what might you be thinking? What might you be fearful or uncertain about? What might be driving the behaviour you are seeing? 

• Self-reflection. Are you being clear about what you are communicating? Have you provided enough information to engage people? Have you congruently asked for what you want? What assumptions are you making? 

• Start a dialogue. Be prepared to explore the situation to understand what is happening and seeking agreement on how best too move forward. Seek feedback and create an environment that makes it easy for people to do this. 

Leadership is always work in progress and we can always learn from each other, so feel free to share your own experience of managing your own gremlins below.

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

Marcus Aurelius

Managing your irritation

How often do you find that you are irritated at work?

More importantly what do you do to manage or mask your irritation?

Do you know how you show up when you are irritated?

Do you even care?

As a leader you are on show all of the time. People are constantly making assessments about how you are, whether you like it or not. If you are thinking one thing and saying another people pick up on this. Therefore you need to make every action and interaction count to have the exact impact that you intended.

Easy right?

WRONG!

After all you are human and we all have our idiosyncrasies. However, as a leader you set the tone for your team and organisation so you do have to model the behaviour you expect from others.

You need to be clearer than most about your intentions and mindful as to whether the impact you are creating matched those intentions. In my experience this is usually easier when things are going well than when they are not. And when they are not you have to be a master of self-management

Managing your state

Managing your own state is an art and far easier when things are going well and you are feeling fresh.

When you’re tired you’re more likely to be reactive – less considered.

When you’re in a new environment you’re likely to be hyper alert or stressed – looking for cues to ‘feel’ safe.

So what can you do to manage your state when you are irritated?

1. What happens to you physically? Notice if your head tilts in any way, what happens to your shoulders? My guess is your breathing is shallower too.
2. What’s the emotional tone? Name it and then identify what you want it to be instead. For example instead of being irritated you may want to feel calm, patient or relaxed.
3. Now, make the physical changes that will allow you to ‘take on’ that state. We all know what it feels like to be calm and you’ll notice that you take on a different physical shape to being irritated.
4. And finally, practice, practice, practice... The way to learn is through practice and one that interrupts old behavioural patterns is going to be longer lasting and sustainable.

 

Observing others

Leadership is about connection and taking others with you. You have to work at establishing good connections to create great collaboration.

Do you adapt your style to your audience?

Are you clear about what you want to achieve with the various people you work with?

Are their reactions and responses what you expected? 

If not what can you do to adapt and create a greater connection and understanding?

If your message isn’t getting across there is something you have to change to get people on board, to put it across in a way that helps them.

As a leader your job is about changing the experience of life at work - making the difficult easy and the uncomfortable comfortable, to create an engaged workforce. Being irritated doesn’t allow you to operate at your best to achieve this. So next time you feel irritated, even if it’s only a little try out what I’ve suggested and let me know what happens.

Don’t let people; places and things determine your moods. Take charge of how you feel each and every day.

Michael Barbarulo

How are you showing up as a leader?

More and more leaders are asking me to work with them to develop their presence and personal impact.

What I’ve noticed is they are typically faced with these 3 challenges:

1.   They’ve been told that you need to develop a greater presence yet no-one has given you any idea how you’re supposed to do this, or what specifically you need to do.

2.   They are mixing with the right people but can’t seem to get the airtime or their attention to get your message across.

3.   They have way too much to do and don’t have time to spend on developing your presence, after all that’s not going to get the job done!

When I ask anyone what leadership presence is they often struggle to define it and yet they know it’s important.

The truth is no one really teaches this stuff… until now.

For me there are 4 key principles needed to develop an authentic presence that will allow you to:

·      Get the air-time and attention of the people you need too,

·      Influence others and take them with you, and

·      Be seen as a calm and credible leader

I’ve developed a framework around these 4 principles, all equally important and necessary if you want to be successful. You can come back to them time and time again as you progress through your career.

Today, I want to share the first element – how you physically show up as a leader.

You are on show all of the time and people are always watching you and making assessments. Whether you like it or not you set the tone and standards for those around you.

So it’s not good enough to just ‘show up’ and hope for the best.

Whether you like it or not you are judged by the impact you have on others.

People are watching how you act, how you walk, how you sit and how you talk…it’s therefore the quality of your visibility that counts.

It’s the quality you bring to any situation and how you actually present yourself that matters.

This is the foundation piece for presence and impact.

Here’s an example.

I was working with a Board Director; let’s call him Joe. He recognised he’d got more and more drawn into tactical issues and had lost the influence he once had.

When I first met him what I saw was someone who looked frail, ‘mouse like’, and seemed to be making himself look small and blend in.

He certainly didn’t look like a Board Director who owned his agenda let alone his own space.

In just one session we worked on his posture. How he walked and how he filled his own his space. I encouraged him to pay attention to this in meetings and as he walked around the office.

When I next saw him I hardly recognized him. He looked taller. He was walking more confidently and appeared much more comfortable in his own skin. He told me how practicing these subtleties were paying off in his approach to managing meetings and leading discussions.  

So why have I chosen to share this particular story?

LEADERSHIP PRESENCE IS HOW OTHERS EXPERIENCE YOU!

It’s what others sense and feel when they are with you, how you project confidence and credibility.

It's reflected in the quality of the relationships you build, the levels of safety and trust that people feel when they are with you, and in the working environment that you create.

When you get it right this ‘presence’ resonates with, stabilises, and influences others.

So, as presence is something that we experience I thought you might like a little exercise to assess your own presence.

This is an opportunity to raise your awareness of how YOU show up and how that feels to you.

As I’ve already mentioned presence is a felt sense of who you are and how you come across. We often don’t take time to get a sense of this for ourselves.

Let’s start with paying attention to your posture.

Over the next few days start to notice:

How you are walking.

• Are you leaning forward?
• How are you holding your shoulders? Are they rolled forward or hunched up?
• Do you walk fast or slow?
• Where are you looking? Do you look around you or at the floor?

When you are in a meeting or at your desk..

• How are you sitting?
• What are you doing with your feet, do you have your legs crossed or are your feet planted firmly on the floor?
• How are you sitting on the chair? Are you taking up the whole seat, sitting on the edge, or are you leaning to one side?
• In meetings what are you doing with your hands? Are you doodling, fidgeting, working on your computer, or do you have them resting on the table?

These are just a few things to look out for and you may notice others.

What I’d like you to do is make a note of what you observe and ask yourself these 3 questions:

1.   What word would others use to describe you right now?

2.   Is this how you want to be described?

3.   If not, how do you want to be seen instead?

It’s a simple exercise and I just want you to observe yourself and make any adjustments you think will help.

Leadership starts with self-awareness.

I hope you get some great insights and I look forward to connecting with you soon. 

If you’d like to explore how you can develop your own leadership presence further email me and we can set up a call to explore this further.

‘There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy.’

Friederich Nietzsche

4 Keys to managing your energy

How often do you feel there just aren’t enough hours in the day?

Your to do list seems to just keep growing – at home as well as work!

We all have moments and sometimes weeks or months like this and, if you are like me, you work harder thinking that’s the answer. You may well get through it but at what cost?

Tony Schwartz would argue that most of us are chasing the wrong resource – hours in the day rather than our own personal energy. Time is a finite resource where as your energy can be renewed and we can have more flexibility if we learn to manage it well. It is therefore the key to productivity and stamina.

In his report he looks at 4 areas of energy that we can manage:

Physical energy – are you healthy? Are you getting enough sleep, exercise and the right nutrition?

Emotional energy – are you happy? Do you diffuse negative emotions and infuse positive emotions? How do you look at challenges?

Mental energy – how well do you focus on something? Do you set aside specific times in the day to respond to emails and voicemails? Do you manage interruptions and have clear priorities for each day?

Spiritual energy – why are you here? What is your purpose?

Our opportunity is to reflect on our current patterns of work and behaviour and begin to make adjustments.

Are you heading for an energy crisis?

If you want to get a quick ‘heads up’ on how you are doing the following questions are included in the report here, you’ll also get some tips on where to focus.

Body

• I don’t regularly get at least seven to eight hours of sleep, and I often wake up feeling tired.
• I frequently skip breakfast, or I settle for something that isn’t nutritious.
• I don’t work out enough (meaning cardiovascular training at least three times a week and strength training at least once a week).
• I don’t take regular breaks during the day to truly renew and recharge, or I often eat lunch at my desk, if I eat it at all.

Emotions

• I frequently find myself feeling irritable, impatient, or anxious at work, especially when work is demanding.
• I don’t have enough time with my family and loved ones, and when I’m with them, I’m not always really with them.
• I have too little time for the activities that I most deeply enjoy.
• I don’t stop frequently enough to express my appreciation to others or to savour my accomplishments and blessings.

Mind

• I have difficulty focusing on one thing at a time, and I am easily distracted during the day, especially by email.
• I spend much of my day reacting to immediate crises and demands rather than focusing on activities with longer-term value and high leverage.
• I don’t take enough time for reflection, strategising, and creative thinking.
• I work in the evenings or on weekends, and I almost never take an email–free vacation. 

Spirit

• I don’t spend enough time at work doing what I do best and enjoy most.
• There are significant gaps between what I say is most important to me in my life and how I actually allocate my time and energy.
• My decisions at work are more often influenced by external demands than by a strong, clear sense of my own purpose.
• I don’t invest enough time and energy in making a positive difference to others or to the world. 

Next Steps

It’s been a while since I read this report and I’ve found it useful to review it. It’s certainly helped me refocus and identify where things have been a little out of kilter…

What one thing can you do to begin to redress the balance?

Drop me a line to let me know.

‘Manage your energy not your time’

Tony Schwartz

Four Simple Questions to Help you Build Resilience

How do you deal with setbacks?

Do you:

1. Roll over and think ‘that’s it  - it’s too hard, might as well give up now'.
2. Decide to roll your sleeves up, get stuck in and push through.
3. Throw a tantrum and create a drama out of it.

My guess is you may have done all of these at various stages of your life in differing circumstances depending on your level of emotional engagement and maturity. And, hopefully, you’ve learned to handle setbacks a little differently now.

I came across a great quote the other day which I think sums this up:

“ Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.” Steve Maraboli

Of course there is a choice with this – you have to choose to grow stronger and be more resilient so that you thrive rather than survive from one crisis or setback to another.

It’s your capacity to respond constructively to adversity that builds your resilience. It’s not about coping or surviving but about harnessing the opportunities that lie within the situation and your own capability.

Are you reacting to what life throws at you or are you responding to what life throws at you? The latter is the one that will allow you to grow so I thought I’d also share Paul Stoltz CORE questions which are designed to help you build resilience:

Control – What facets of the situation can I/we/you potentially influence?

Ownership – How can I/we/you step up to make the most immediate, positive difference?

Reach – What can I/we/you do to minimise the potential downside? Maximise the potential upside?

Endurance – What can I/we/you do to get past this as quickly as possible? 

The next time you are faced with a setback take a step back and take time to respond rather than react and consider what is it trying to tell me? Which of the above questions can I apply to move forward?

“Persistence and resilience only come from having been given the chance to work through difficult problems.”

Gever Tulley

Navigating Conflict in the Workplace

Most of us shy away from conflict and back off or avoid the situation if it feels like it might be confrontational. Yet, conflict is inevitable in organisations if you view conflict as a different point of view!

As humans our greatest gift is our ability to think and speak. This means we will form our own opinions and have something to say – yet we get surprised or annoyed or irritated or irked or intimidated or … when someone disagrees with our point of view.

This can often act as a trigger and cause us to re-act rather than stop and consider where the other person is coming from.

Conflict is a Gift

Conflict, or differing points of view, can be the starting point of creating a better solution, better product or better way of working. So, how can we train ourselves to treat it as such?

A starting point might be around our own mindset and instead of instantly re-acting to what has been said maybe we need to re-purpose around the relationship you want to have.

When I’m working with leaders around influence and impact there are 2 questions I often ask:

1. Does your intention match your impact?
2. What outcome do you want from the relationship?

I ask the first question because we often judge ourselves by our intention and we judge others by the impact they have on us. It’s rare that someone will consider their own impact given the individual or audience they have in front of them.

I ask the second question so that you can consider where the relationship is and consider where you may want to take it. Start with at least maintaining the relationship at its current position and at best building the relationship.

Considering both of these questions will inform you on the approach most likely to achieve the outcome and impact you desire.

The Art of Listening

Listening truly is an art as there are many things we can pay attention to in both your audience and more importantly YOU.

You are the only person you are in control of. So pay attention to what is happening to you as well as your audience, tuning into the following areas:

• Words – Listen to the words, tone, timbre and pitch
• Emotion – What do you see and hear that gives some indication of the mood or emotion that is present?
• Physiology – What do you notice about the way they sit, stand, move, and breathe?
• Energy – What are you picking up energetically?

As you are doing this be curious, ask questions, suspend your own judgement, solicit input and check your understanding by summarising what you are hearing.

I know all of this sounds simple, and it is – as long as you practice.

So to summarise;

A – ask questions, listen, and get curious

S – summarise what you hear, solicit information, suspend judgement

K – Keep practicing 

If you have a difficult situation at works that you need some support with please get in touch to set up a call. Email me at Dawn@aurora4success.co.uk.

“Amid this constant surge of information, attention has become our most precious asset.”

Jocelyn Glei

What is the Predominant Mood of your Team?

Moods are contagious and understanding the predominant mood in your team will be an indication of the level of engagement, commitment and productivity.

What do I mean by mood?

Well, think of it as an emotional state that has some longevity such as; optimism, intensity, dour, calm, resentment, resignation, bold, gratitude….  Think of it as a longer-term attitude.

As you think of the moods I mentioned above I’m sure you can imagine what they feel like when you are with someone in this ‘mood’.

How often have you walked into a room where the mood is uplifting? You actually feel it as you walk in. Compare that to walking into a room where there is a pensive mood. You feel it, and it’s very different to the previous mood of uplifting.

Moods envelope you. You automatically adapt to the environment. They have an impact on how you relate to others and how you move through the world and take action– humans are emotional beings.

• What is your predominant mood?
• How does this affect your team, or meetings you are in?
• What is the predominant mood of your team?
• Is it effective?
• If not what can you do to begin to shift it?
• Do you drive the mood of your team?

There is likely to be a dominant ‘player’, so who is it?

Exercise: At the beginning and end of every day take a moment to notice your mood – write it down and reflect on how it’s affecting your outlook – your thoughts, your actions, your ability to listen. Just raising your awareness will provide you with new choices.

Managing your mood is a key task of leadership and will affect the impact you have.

"Don’t let people; places and things determine your moods. Take charge of how you feel each and every day."

Michael Barbarulo