Not Difficult - Just impossible!

One of the most challenging situations as a leader is handling so-called ‘difficult people’. It can take up a disproportionate amount of your time, effort and energy and, if not handled effectively, create a ‘toxic atmosphere’ in the workplace.

Whether you are dealing with defensive behaviour, emotional reactions or differences in style, it is important to recognise the extent to which your own behaviour can either defuse or escalate others’ ‘difficult behaviour’.

The more you are able to stand back and understand the impact it is having on you and then choose a response, rather than a reaction, the more likely you are to be able to lead effectively.

What makes someone difficult?

Few people get out of bed in the morning intending to make life difficult at work.

A variety of factors may spark off defensive behaviour and cause someone to display their less attractive side. If you are able to identify the causes you stand a better chance of building an effective relationship. Here are some of the possible causes for you to consider:

Current Situation: The context in which someone is working will have an impact on their behaviour. There may be changes in the team, changes in workload changes to work practices, a new leader or they may have been promoted.

Personal History: People bring history to their working relationships – attitudes that reflect how they were treated in the past, the amount of confidence they have in their own skills and knowledge, and their beliefs about themselves and other people.

Differences in style: Sometimes, what is perceived as difficult behaviour is simply a difference in style or approach to your own. 

External factors: An employee may have a personal or family problem that is effecting their motivation and behaviour. It should also be recognised that extreme behaviour may be the result of stress, mental health issues, drink or drug problems, and leaders should be alert particularly for behaviour that is out of character.

Know YOUR default style

We each have our own unique way of reacting when faced with a conflict or difficult situation. We might like to think that we’re slightly more sophisticated than this, however, when under the stress and pressure of a conflict situation, we all typically revert to a default style or pattern of behaviour. Understanding what yours is and then choosing how to respond can help you manage the situation more effectively.

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed a model that may help you with this. It has been adapted over time, but generally includes the following approaches:

Avoidance

Do you avoid any conflict or confrontation and withdraw, both physically and psychologically? If this is your style you tend to bury your head in the sand, pretending that a conflict doesn’t exist and avoiding addressing any issues with another party. This is a lose/lose approach.

Accommodating

Do you acquiesce with others? If this is your style you may behave deferentially to people more senior and place the needs and interests of others above yours. ‘Anything for an easy life’ is what you might say, and you may also feel frustrated and resentful at the same time. This is a lose/win approach.

Competing

Do you use your power, authority and strength? In fact, you may do whatever it takes to win, saying things like, ‘It’s a matter of principle – I’m not backing down; that’s a sign of weakness.’  This is a win/lose approach.

Collaboration

Are you focused on getting everyone’s needs met? You see conflict as a problem needing a solution and want to work with the other party to resolve it. You look beyond people’s position and explore their underlying concerns, ensuring you don’t get your needs met at the expense of others. This is a win/win approach.

Compromise

Do you sit on the fence when it’s time to find a solution to conflict? You’re neither competitive nor accommodating, so you might be willing to compromise on your needs, if the other party compromises on theirs. You are neither collaborative nor avoiding, because while you don’t necessarily deal with the issues in any great depth, you don’t avoid them completely. Your focus is on splitting the difference or looking for the quick middle ground that will do. This is neither win/win nor lose/lose and can  be a place of stalemate or no deal.

Moving Forward

Nothing is ever too difficult. It’s all a question of having the skills and flexibility to adapt. In handling a ‘difficult’ person you may move through several of the modes mentioned above depending on where the each of you start. Here are some questions to help you move forward:

• What are your default responses in a conflict situation?
• Do you recognise any of these responses in others?
• What are your next steps in handling ‘difficult’ people more effectively?

If you are facing a difficult situation that you would like to talk through email me at Dawn@aurora4success.co.uk.

“Be proactive. Proactive people work on the things they can do something about.” 

Stephen Covey

The 4 C’s of Courageous Conversations

I first came across the term courageous conversation some years ago when I first heard David Whyte speak. At the time I was struck by what this meant and it forced me to think about where I had had a courageous conversation, if at all!

I realised I had and more importantly I recognised that there was one I was avoiding, and that was a conversation with myself.

My invitation to you, today, is to consider the same question. With whom do you need to have a courageous conversation?

Where are things not proceeding the way you want them to go? Where do you need to step in and stop the conversation that you are having now – even though you don’t know where to go next?

In considering this it could be with someone at work, someone at home, someone in your community, if you are running a business it may be a conversation with your business, or it could be a conversation with yourself.

It’s not your every day conversation

• It’s a conversation that you have to be really present for.
• It’s a conversation where you have to speak candidly, without any defensiveness.
• It’s a conversation where you face reality.

The fact that it’s called courageous implies that there is an element of danger either for you, or the person or people you will be talking to.

And … as we are all unique human beings, danger can mean many things to many people ranging from; giving someone some feedback that you know they are not going to like hearing; to loosing your job; and ultimately through to life or death scenarios (although this is rare in many organisations today).

To help you prepare for this conversation here are the 4 C’s to consider:

Courage: You have to be brave and stand up and make it happen.  Face reality, challenge assumptions, including your own, and have the courage to ask the question no one else wants to.

Confidence: Be self-assured and know that the time is right.  In the words of Martin Luther King “the time is always right to do what is right.” Be confident to sit with silence that may arise and to ‘not know’ where to go or what the solution is.

Control: You have to be in control of your emotions, which means you have to be present in the here and now, centred and calm. Be curious not judgemental, and speak candidly without creating defensiveness, so that what you say is delivered in a way that feels positive.

Choice: This runs through all of the 3 C’s above. You are at choice in all that you do:

• Choose to be courageous
• Choose to be confident
• Choose to be in control of your emotions
• Choose to have the conversation

Courageous conversations foster creativity; strengthens relationships and more importantly allows you to be the leader in your life.

Good luck! I’d love to hear how you get on.

"It's not the day you have to manage... but the moment. It's not the dragon you have to slay, but the fear. And it's not the path you have to know, but the destination."

Mike Dooley

Skills to Rely on When your Best Communication Efforts Fail

Communicating what you want to say in the most appropriate way is an art form.  I’ve also learned, through lots of good and not so good experiences, that it’s a continual journey of discovery.

No two situations are identical, no two people are the same and it’s very easy for us to get stuck in a mode of doing what we have always done because it’s easy.

Is it any wonder that things go wrong? People misinterpret what we say and this can lead to the wrong actions being taken and the person or people on the receiving end being offended, confused or filling in the gaps in some way.

So what can you do to put things back on track?

Take 100% Responsibility

The very first thing you can do is take 100% responsibility for your communication. It may well be that the person misinterpreted what you were saying and the question still remains - how could you have made your message clearer?

In my last blog I mentioned intention vs. impact. Did the impact (result) of your communication match what you intended? If not, then it really is your responsibility to ‘put things right’. Only you know what you are trying to say and the result you were hoping to achieve.

Start by asking your self these questions:

1. What aspect of what I was communicating was misunderstood?
2. Was it the content I miss-communicated or was it the way I communicated it? Consider here both the method you used and the tone with which it was delivered.
3. Did I consider the person on the receiving end? Their level of knowledge, experience, style and way of working.

Having asked these questions one of two things are likely to result:

• You re-communicate admitting you mistakes or new insights, or
• You apologise

Whichever is required ensure you give some considered thought in what you say. Here are a few tips to help you on your way.

Effective apology

An effective apology needs to be sincere and specific, so be clear about what you are apologising for as generic apologies can come across as insincere. This is not about you ‘taking the blame’ it is simply acknowledging the impact of what you have or haven’t communicated. It’s not about excuses either!!

Re-Communicate

        

Take a moment and revisit the situation so that you can clarify exactly what you meant to say.  When our emotions get in the way, they can create obstacles to understanding and get us off the message we are really trying to convey.

Revisit the situation with your colleague or colleagues to clarify your message.

If you know the way you communicated is the cause of the breakdown offer a solution while acknowledging your development point. A development point is a personal challenge that you may be working to manage or overcome, which admittedly may have only been brought to your attention through this incident.  For instance, if you have a tendency to get impatient when you are nearing a deadline, you may be working on finding ways to keep a proper perspective so that you don’t create an uncomfortable environment for yourself and others.  Your impatience is your development point, and you must acknowledge it when you are looking to ‘build bridges’.

"Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." 

Miguel Angel Ruiz 

Navigating Conflict in the Workplace

Most of us shy away from conflict and back off or avoid the situation if it feels like it might be confrontational. Yet, conflict is inevitable in organisations if you view conflict as a different point of view!

As humans our greatest gift is our ability to think and speak. This means we will form our own opinions and have something to say – yet we get surprised or annoyed or irritated or irked or intimidated or … when someone disagrees with our point of view.

This can often act as a trigger and cause us to re-act rather than stop and consider where the other person is coming from.

Conflict is a Gift

Conflict, or differing points of view, can be the starting point of creating a better solution, better product or better way of working. So, how can we train ourselves to treat it as such?

A starting point might be around our own mindset and instead of instantly re-acting to what has been said maybe we need to re-purpose around the relationship you want to have.

When I’m working with leaders around influence and impact there are 2 questions I often ask:

1. Does your intention match your impact?
2. What outcome do you want from the relationship?

I ask the first question because we often judge ourselves by our intention and we judge others by the impact they have on us. It’s rare that someone will consider their own impact given the individual or audience they have in front of them.

I ask the second question so that you can consider where the relationship is and consider where you may want to take it. Start with at least maintaining the relationship at its current position and at best building the relationship.

Considering both of these questions will inform you on the approach most likely to achieve the outcome and impact you desire.

The Art of Listening

Listening truly is an art as there are many things we can pay attention to in both your audience and more importantly YOU.

You are the only person you are in control of. So pay attention to what is happening to you as well as your audience, tuning into the following areas:

• Words – Listen to the words, tone, timbre and pitch
• Emotion – What do you see and hear that gives some indication of the mood or emotion that is present?
• Physiology – What do you notice about the way they sit, stand, move, and breathe?
• Energy – What are you picking up energetically?

As you are doing this be curious, ask questions, suspend your own judgement, solicit input and check your understanding by summarising what you are hearing.

I know all of this sounds simple, and it is – as long as you practice.

So to summarise;

A – ask questions, listen, and get curious

S – summarise what you hear, solicit information, suspend judgement

K – Keep practicing 

If you have a difficult situation at works that you need some support with please get in touch to set up a call. Email me at Dawn@aurora4success.co.uk.

“Amid this constant surge of information, attention has become our most precious asset.”

Jocelyn Glei