Not Difficult - Just impossible!

One of the most challenging situations as a leader is handling so-called ‘difficult people’. It can take up a disproportionate amount of your time, effort and energy and, if not handled effectively, create a ‘toxic atmosphere’ in the workplace.

Whether you are dealing with defensive behaviour, emotional reactions or differences in style, it is important to recognise the extent to which your own behaviour can either defuse or escalate others’ ‘difficult behaviour’.

The more you are able to stand back and understand the impact it is having on you and then choose a response, rather than a reaction, the more likely you are to be able to lead effectively.

What makes someone difficult?

Few people get out of bed in the morning intending to make life difficult at work.

A variety of factors may spark off defensive behaviour and cause someone to display their less attractive side. If you are able to identify the causes you stand a better chance of building an effective relationship. Here are some of the possible causes for you to consider:

Current Situation: The context in which someone is working will have an impact on their behaviour. There may be changes in the team, changes in workload changes to work practices, a new leader or they may have been promoted.

Personal History: People bring history to their working relationships – attitudes that reflect how they were treated in the past, the amount of confidence they have in their own skills and knowledge, and their beliefs about themselves and other people.

Differences in style: Sometimes, what is perceived as difficult behaviour is simply a difference in style or approach to your own. 

External factors: An employee may have a personal or family problem that is effecting their motivation and behaviour. It should also be recognised that extreme behaviour may be the result of stress, mental health issues, drink or drug problems, and leaders should be alert particularly for behaviour that is out of character.

Know YOUR default style

We each have our own unique way of reacting when faced with a conflict or difficult situation. We might like to think that we’re slightly more sophisticated than this, however, when under the stress and pressure of a conflict situation, we all typically revert to a default style or pattern of behaviour. Understanding what yours is and then choosing how to respond can help you manage the situation more effectively.

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed a model that may help you with this. It has been adapted over time, but generally includes the following approaches:

Avoidance

Do you avoid any conflict or confrontation and withdraw, both physically and psychologically? If this is your style you tend to bury your head in the sand, pretending that a conflict doesn’t exist and avoiding addressing any issues with another party. This is a lose/lose approach.

Accommodating

Do you acquiesce with others? If this is your style you may behave deferentially to people more senior and place the needs and interests of others above yours. ‘Anything for an easy life’ is what you might say, and you may also feel frustrated and resentful at the same time. This is a lose/win approach.

Competing

Do you use your power, authority and strength? In fact, you may do whatever it takes to win, saying things like, ‘It’s a matter of principle – I’m not backing down; that’s a sign of weakness.’  This is a win/lose approach.

Collaboration

Are you focused on getting everyone’s needs met? You see conflict as a problem needing a solution and want to work with the other party to resolve it. You look beyond people’s position and explore their underlying concerns, ensuring you don’t get your needs met at the expense of others. This is a win/win approach.

Compromise

Do you sit on the fence when it’s time to find a solution to conflict? You’re neither competitive nor accommodating, so you might be willing to compromise on your needs, if the other party compromises on theirs. You are neither collaborative nor avoiding, because while you don’t necessarily deal with the issues in any great depth, you don’t avoid them completely. Your focus is on splitting the difference or looking for the quick middle ground that will do. This is neither win/win nor lose/lose and can  be a place of stalemate or no deal.

Moving Forward

Nothing is ever too difficult. It’s all a question of having the skills and flexibility to adapt. In handling a ‘difficult’ person you may move through several of the modes mentioned above depending on where the each of you start. Here are some questions to help you move forward:

• What are your default responses in a conflict situation?
• Do you recognise any of these responses in others?
• What are your next steps in handling ‘difficult’ people more effectively?

If you are facing a difficult situation that you would like to talk through email me at Dawn@aurora4success.co.uk.

“Be proactive. Proactive people work on the things they can do something about.” 

Stephen Covey