When things are going well this seems easy and you make real
progress. However, every once in a while we hit a bump in the road or a
roadblock, and people, more often than not, create these.
It’s at times like these that you are tested. Can you keep
your calm, credible persona and continue to maintain the tone and standards of
behaviour you have established?
Easier said than done right? Particularly if you are under
pressure to deliver something to a deadline or at a crucial part of the project
when key decisions are to be made.
Dealing with these bumps and blockages (real or imagined) is
about being able to step back and see the patterns rather than be sucked in to
the whirlpool of emotions.
If you can see that all relationships have a pattern then
you can begin to spot what is going on when relationships become a little ‘testing’.
- What role do you each take on?
- How are you stereotyping each other?
The Gremlins
Let me introduce you to 4 possible gremlins you may meet in
these situations. These descriptions come from the work of Virginia Satir who
identified 4 universal patterns of fear driven communication.
The Blamer
–Gremlin number one tends to put fault on the other person and point a finger,
making judgements about what is happening. This kills listening and
understanding and can trigger defensive or aggressive behaviour in the
receiver.
The Placator –
This gremlin is likely to appease the other person to avoid anger, fear, being
rejected, disliked and disagreed with. They can be seen as ‘yes men’, wanting
to be everyone’s friend and won’t tell you that they disagree with you. The
danger here is they could walk away and then share with others the degree to
which they disagree and potentially sabotage your plans.
The Computer –
The behaviour to look for here is someone hiding behind words and ignoring any
threats, hoping they’ll go away. They can come across as super reasonable as
they have all the data and may hide behind this insisting on being correct.
After all accuracy is king!
The Distracter –
These tend to hide by changing the subject and change their minds even faster,
so may seem unfocused. They dramatise and can be exhausting to deal with and it
may feel like you’ve been hit by a whirlwind. Keeping people confused covers up
their uncertainty.
So now that you have some indicators to be able to spot
these gremlins how can you begin to stop them from disrupting your path?
Leading the way
Gremlins are triggered by fear, fear of being left out, fear
of being out of control, feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, not recognised…
If you can keep your head and begin to recognise these
behaviours you build your flexibility and ability to influence. So, here are my
suggested steps to get these relationships back on track.
- Self-management. The moment you feel your own gremlin(s) starting to surface – STOP! Press the pause button, take a step back and focus on what is actually happening externally. It’s rarely personal so look at the situation objectively.
- Get curious. See things for what they are and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you were them, what might you be thinking? What might you be fearful or uncertain about? What might be driving the behaviour you are seeing?
- Self-reflection. Are you being clear about what you are communicating? Have you provided enough information to engage people? Have you congruently asked for what you want? What assumptions are you making?
- Start a dialogue. Be prepared to explore the situation to understand what is happening and seeking agreement on how best too move forward. Seek feedback and create an environment that makes it easy for people to do this.
Leadership is always work in progress and we can always
learn from each other, so feel free to share your own experience of managing
your own gremlins below.
"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."
Marcus Aurelius