Meet the Gremlins

As a leader you have to set the tone and the standards in your environment.

When things are going well this seems easy and you make real progress. However, every once in a while we hit a bump in the road or a roadblock, and people, more often than not, create these.

It’s at times like these that you are tested. Can you keep your calm, credible persona and continue to maintain the tone and standards of behaviour you have established?

Easier said than done right? Particularly if you are under pressure to deliver something to a deadline or at a crucial part of the project when key decisions are to be made.

Dealing with these bumps and blockages (real or imagined) is about being able to step back and see the patterns rather than be sucked in to the whirlpool of emotions.

If you can see that all relationships have a pattern then you can begin to spot what is going on when relationships become a little ‘testing’.

• What role do you each take on?
• How are you stereotyping each other?
  
  
   

The Gremlins

Let me introduce you to 4 possible gremlins you may meet in these situations. These descriptions come from the work of Virginia Satir who identified 4 universal patterns of fear driven communication.

The Blamer –Gremlin number one tends to put fault on the other person and point a finger, making judgements about what is happening. This kills listening and understanding and can trigger defensive or aggressive behaviour in the receiver.

The Placator – This gremlin is likely to appease the other person to avoid anger, fear, being rejected, disliked and disagreed with. They can be seen as ‘yes men’, wanting to be everyone’s friend and won’t tell you that they disagree with you. The danger here is they could walk away and then share with others the degree to which they disagree and potentially sabotage your plans.

The Computer – The behaviour to look for here is someone hiding behind words and ignoring any threats, hoping they’ll go away. They can come across as super reasonable as they have all the data and may hide behind this insisting on being correct. After all accuracy is king!

The Distracter – These tend to hide by changing the subject and change their minds even faster, so may seem unfocused. They dramatise and can be exhausting to deal with and it may feel like you’ve been hit by a whirlwind. Keeping people confused covers up their uncertainty.

So now that you have some indicators to be able to spot these gremlins how can you begin to stop them from disrupting your path?

Leading the way

Gremlins are triggered by fear, fear of being left out, fear of being out of control, feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, not recognised…

If you can keep your head and begin to recognise these behaviours you build your flexibility and ability to influence. So, here are my suggested steps to get these relationships back on track. 

• Self-management. The moment you feel your own gremlin(s) starting to surface – STOP! Press the pause button, take a step back and focus on what is actually happening externally. It’s rarely personal so look at the situation objectively. 

• Get curious. See things for what they are and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you were them, what might you be thinking? What might you be fearful or uncertain about? What might be driving the behaviour you are seeing? 

• Self-reflection. Are you being clear about what you are communicating? Have you provided enough information to engage people? Have you congruently asked for what you want? What assumptions are you making? 

• Start a dialogue. Be prepared to explore the situation to understand what is happening and seeking agreement on how best too move forward. Seek feedback and create an environment that makes it easy for people to do this. 

Leadership is always work in progress and we can always learn from each other, so feel free to share your own experience of managing your own gremlins below.

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

Marcus Aurelius

Managing your irritation

How often do you find that you are irritated at work?

More importantly what do you do to manage or mask your irritation?

Do you know how you show up when you are irritated?

Do you even care?

As a leader you are on show all of the time. People are constantly making assessments about how you are, whether you like it or not. If you are thinking one thing and saying another people pick up on this. Therefore you need to make every action and interaction count to have the exact impact that you intended.

Easy right?

WRONG!

After all you are human and we all have our idiosyncrasies. However, as a leader you set the tone for your team and organisation so you do have to model the behaviour you expect from others.

You need to be clearer than most about your intentions and mindful as to whether the impact you are creating matched those intentions. In my experience this is usually easier when things are going well than when they are not. And when they are not you have to be a master of self-management

Managing your state

Managing your own state is an art and far easier when things are going well and you are feeling fresh.

When you’re tired you’re more likely to be reactive – less considered.

When you’re in a new environment you’re likely to be hyper alert or stressed – looking for cues to ‘feel’ safe.

So what can you do to manage your state when you are irritated?

1. What happens to you physically? Notice if your head tilts in any way, what happens to your shoulders? My guess is your breathing is shallower too.
2. What’s the emotional tone? Name it and then identify what you want it to be instead. For example instead of being irritated you may want to feel calm, patient or relaxed.
3. Now, make the physical changes that will allow you to ‘take on’ that state. We all know what it feels like to be calm and you’ll notice that you take on a different physical shape to being irritated.
4. And finally, practice, practice, practice... The way to learn is through practice and one that interrupts old behavioural patterns is going to be longer lasting and sustainable.

 

Observing others

Leadership is about connection and taking others with you. You have to work at establishing good connections to create great collaboration.

Do you adapt your style to your audience?

Are you clear about what you want to achieve with the various people you work with?

Are their reactions and responses what you expected? 

If not what can you do to adapt and create a greater connection and understanding?

If your message isn’t getting across there is something you have to change to get people on board, to put it across in a way that helps them.

As a leader your job is about changing the experience of life at work - making the difficult easy and the uncomfortable comfortable, to create an engaged workforce. Being irritated doesn’t allow you to operate at your best to achieve this. So next time you feel irritated, even if it’s only a little try out what I’ve suggested and let me know what happens.

Don’t let people; places and things determine your moods. Take charge of how you feel each and every day.

Michael Barbarulo

The Good the Bad and the Ugly of Seeking Feedback

Over the years, working with hundreds of leaders in business, I have found that people are hungry for feedback and yet most people don’t ask for it.  When they do they are often not clear and ask questions like:

• How did I do?
• Can you give me some feedback?
• What can I do differently?

In this blog I have provided some tips on what you can do to get great feedback – the good, and what to avoid – the bad and the ugly….

The Good

The only way to improve and be a better leader is to receive great feedback and then put into practice what is appropriate for you to be the leader that you want to be.

Start by getting really clear what it is you want feedback on. When you know this make a very clear request in positive, concrete, action language and ask for what you actually want e.g.

” I have a request for you.” (This usually grabs people’s attention and they will stop and listen).

"I have written this presentation and I’d like you to critique it in the following way:

Does it meet the needs of the target audience?" (Be sure to tell them who the target audience is)

"What do you think the key messages are?

What if anything can I do to make it clearer in the two areas above.”

This is just one example of what a request for feedback might be and how to be clear about what you want. 

If you are working at improving the way you influence stakeholders be really clear about what it is you want feedback on; is it your voice tone, volume, the way you sit and stand, the language you use etc.

Always be prepared to ask for what the other person would suggest to make it even better ensuring you get specific actions that will help you.

Remember too you don’t always need to take it on board.

The Bad

Here are some common mistakes people make;

1. Asking in a vague and abstract way using ambiguous phrasing. The clearer you are about what you want the more likely you are to get it. 
2. Approaching the person they want feedback from in a sheepish way, making little eye contact and speaking quietly.
3. Skirting around the issue by talking generically about what you are working on and saying you would like feedback and not being clear that you want feedback from this person.
4. Being too direct so that your request comes across as a demand!

The Ugly

Here are some indicators to let you know you need some help in how you go about seeking feedback:

• You don’t actually know what you want, therefore don’t know what to ask for.
• You ask the wrong person for feedback. This may be someone who is not experienced enough on the topic you or simply not very good at giving feedback.
• You ask for what you don’t want e.g. I don’t want feedback on the content but anything else would be useful….
• You just don’t ask making the assumption no news is good news… 

If this criteria applies to you ensure you get support from someone who is really good at asking for feedback, or get a good coach.

What I do know is that people rarely say no when you take the time to seek their input. They may not be able to offer you anything right there and then, but they will generally comply if you enter into a conversation with them.

Be the leader in your life and always ask for what you want – it brings greater clarity to everyone around you.

“Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.”

Marshall B. Rosenberg

4 misconceptions about saying no

I have had several conversations over recent weeks with colleagues and clients who are either tired, have expressed being close to burn out last year, or overwhelmed with the volume of work.

On one hand, I completely understand this as there is an ever increasing need for organisations to achieve more with less, adapt and change with the environment they are in, whether that’s driven by the competition, customers, technology, the economy or all four!!

On the other hand, this just feels so wrong. As humans we only have a certain capacity to cope with these stresses and strains before it begins to take it’s toll. Whilst there are techniques we can utilise to build our resilience over time, what can you do in the short term?

Say No

Say no to taking on this extra responsibility

Say no to attending a meeting you have no idea what it’s about

Say no to accepting under performance

Say no to answering your emails after 7.00 pm (or whatever time you put to put around this)

It never ceases to surprise me how many people struggle with this one little word and yet it can be a lifesaver.

As a leader it’s one of the things you have to get comfortable saying – to yourself and to others.

The Misconceptions

I hear many reasons why saying ‘no’ is not appropriate:

• I don’t want to upset anyone. Saying no isn’t personal. Few people I know take a ‘no’ response personally. If they do it’s usually because of the way the message has been delivered not the message itself.  In my experience it brings great clarity on what may be required or not and people actually know where you and they stand. People like boundaries and saying ‘no’ is putting a line in the sand. In fact saying yes and not meaning it is worse as people do tend to pick up on your incongruence. And a maybe is even worse – leaving things somewhat up in the air.

• They may not like me. Leadership is not about being liked. People may not like the decision and if they happen to react badly to what you are telling them it’s because of the content of what you are saying rather than you personally. The key here is to separate the decision from the people. Often explaining the reason for your ‘no’ can clear this up. They may still not like your decision and take some time to come to terms with it but it really isn’t about you.

• My boss might think I’m being obstructive or un-ambitious. As a successful leader you have got to where you are because you can get things done… The more senior you get the trick is to work smarter not harder, which often means saying ‘no’ to people and situations which are ineffective and not aligned to the corporate goals. When you are really clear about your priorities and what is important it becomes much easier to know what to say ‘yes’ to and what to say ‘no’ to. Saying ‘no’ and explaining the reason for your response and maybe suggesting an alternative can actually demonstrate your clarity of thinking around priorities and the impact of particular actions.

• I may miss an opportunity. Opportunities are all around us. The question is which is the one that is the most appropriate right now? You have limited resources. It’s about making the best of those. Saying ‘no’ to some of the opportunities presented often allows more to be achieved with the one(s) you choose. 

Successful leaders are really clear about their priorities and great at re-prioritising when necessary. Saying ‘no’ to things that don’t fit with your priorities is a great strength.

So, if you are one of those leaders who struggles with this word, where can you start to practice? How can you say no elegantly and with clarity?

And if you need help call me. I have some great techniques that will help you become more comfortable and confident in saying no.

"It’s only by saying no that you can concentrate on the things that are really important."

Steve Jobs

Being the Best that You Can be!

If you want to be the best you can be you need to regularly set yourself some challenging goals or targets and get feedback. This is what most world class athletes do and strangely enough it's what most organisations performance reviews are based on. Yet, for most people, the mere mention of this event makes their heart sink.

Why is this? We all want feedback. I haven’t come across anyone who doesn’t want feedback so how have we got ourselves into the situation where so many people do not look forward to this process?

Here are some of the common mistakes I’ve seen:

• You only have this conversation once a year at performance review time so you either bring up all the things you want to from the past year (good and bad), or can’t remember key incidents which would be of value to the employee.

• You structure the conversation based on the review forms you have to complete. The conversation is therefore a form filling exercise rather than a meaningful discussion about the individuals overall performance.

• The feedback comments are so generic they don’t have any meaning for the individual, for example ‘you did a great job’, ‘you handled that really well’, ‘that didn’t go too well’, or ‘you acted unprofessionally.’ When you are on the receiving end of this type of feedback you have no idea what you actually did well or not so well...

This is a shame, because giving and receiving feedback is one of the most important activities you can engage in with your team.

When done well it is the springboard to performance greatness.

How often do you actually give meaningful feedback to your team members?

How often do you get feedback?

If you don’t get it do you ask for it?

As a reminder and to hopefully encourage you to be even better at asking for and giving feedback I've listed some 'best practice' tips below. 
Whilst I’m sure you have heard all of this before if you are not giving regular feedback, or asking for feedback yourself then I would encourage you to read on and decide what you are going to start to do differently to enhance your own and your teams performance.

How do I give constructive and effective feedback?

The most important element in providing effective feedback is establishing an atmosphere of mutual trust and regard. When a feeling of trust has been created, it is easier both to give and to accept feedback.

• Make sure that the employee understands that you are working toward a mutual goal – their success.
• Acknowledge the employee's accomplishments and successes along with the areas in which he or she needs to improve.
• Be specific. It is much more useful to describe the specific element of work that concerns you or that you are particularly impressed by. Remember to stick to what you know first hand: You'll quickly find yourself on shaky ground if you start giving feedback based on other people's views.
• Keep the feedback simple. Decide on the area you want to cover. You don't want to create a shopping list of faults that could overwhelm and discourage the employee.
• Offer to work with your employee to develop solutions to any problems that he or she is encountering. 

How do I ask for feedback?

When I ask people whether they ask for feedback I get one of two responses:

1. I haven’t asked
2. I haven’t been specific on what I want feedback on.

• Be clear about what you want feedback on. If you are practicing your presentation skills what is it that you are working on? Is it your voice tone, your volume, how you stand or sit, the content of the presentation the flow of the presentation, your eye contact, the pace, how you handle questions…This is what I mean by be clear.

• Ask someone who you know will give you the feedback and will focus on the specifics.

• Be prepared to ask further questions for clarity when you are getting the feedback so you can walk away and know exactly what it was you did well, or what specifically you need to do differently.

So these 3 simple things are to help you be more proactive in obtaining relevant feedback for you.

What do I do while I am receiving feedback?

There is an art to receiving feedback as well as giving it and as feedback is rare  you really need to know how to make the most of it:

• Listen while your manager, colleague or stakeholder is giving feedback, and I mean really listen - don't be waiting to speak. Wait until he or she is finished before you respond.

• Make sure you understand the feedback. It's useful to paraphrase the feedback to ensure that you captured the intended meaning. Ask for clarification or for more specifics if it’s not making sense to you.

• Ask for strategies to resolve the issues and work together to develop solutions if you are not sure how to proceed.

• Finally, whether you agree with the feedback or not, thank the person for his or her time and for being helpful to you. 

What if I get feedback that I don't agree with?

We don’t have to take on board all the feedback we get. We always have a choice. So if you don’t agree with what you are hearing:

• Step back. It's useful to consider the feedback calmly and to think about it in the overall context of moving forward in your career.

• Ask a trusted peer for his or her point of view or talk with a mentor.

• If you decide not to use the feedback, let your manager know and tell her or him your reasons. They may want to give you additional feedback. Listen to it and enter into a dialogue about it. If you decide not to use the feedback at this time, keep the feedback in mind, since it may make more sense to you down the road.

If you really believe in people being the best that they can be, or  better still, see that you have more potential, make feedback a habit – both giving and asking for it!

"Be proactive. Proactive people work on the things they can do something about."

Stephen Covey

Not Difficult - Just impossible!

One of the most challenging situations as a leader is handling so-called ‘difficult people’. It can take up a disproportionate amount of your time, effort and energy and, if not handled effectively, create a ‘toxic atmosphere’ in the workplace.

Whether you are dealing with defensive behaviour, emotional reactions or differences in style, it is important to recognise the extent to which your own behaviour can either defuse or escalate others’ ‘difficult behaviour’.

The more you are able to stand back and understand the impact it is having on you and then choose a response, rather than a reaction, the more likely you are to be able to lead effectively.

What makes someone difficult?

Few people get out of bed in the morning intending to make life difficult at work.

A variety of factors may spark off defensive behaviour and cause someone to display their less attractive side. If you are able to identify the causes you stand a better chance of building an effective relationship. Here are some of the possible causes for you to consider:

Current Situation: The context in which someone is working will have an impact on their behaviour. There may be changes in the team, changes in workload changes to work practices, a new leader or they may have been promoted.

Personal History: People bring history to their working relationships – attitudes that reflect how they were treated in the past, the amount of confidence they have in their own skills and knowledge, and their beliefs about themselves and other people.

Differences in style: Sometimes, what is perceived as difficult behaviour is simply a difference in style or approach to your own. 

External factors: An employee may have a personal or family problem that is effecting their motivation and behaviour. It should also be recognised that extreme behaviour may be the result of stress, mental health issues, drink or drug problems, and leaders should be alert particularly for behaviour that is out of character.

Know YOUR default style

We each have our own unique way of reacting when faced with a conflict or difficult situation. We might like to think that we’re slightly more sophisticated than this, however, when under the stress and pressure of a conflict situation, we all typically revert to a default style or pattern of behaviour. Understanding what yours is and then choosing how to respond can help you manage the situation more effectively.

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann developed a model that may help you with this. It has been adapted over time, but generally includes the following approaches:

Avoidance

Do you avoid any conflict or confrontation and withdraw, both physically and psychologically? If this is your style you tend to bury your head in the sand, pretending that a conflict doesn’t exist and avoiding addressing any issues with another party. This is a lose/lose approach.

Accommodating

Do you acquiesce with others? If this is your style you may behave deferentially to people more senior and place the needs and interests of others above yours. ‘Anything for an easy life’ is what you might say, and you may also feel frustrated and resentful at the same time. This is a lose/win approach.

Competing

Do you use your power, authority and strength? In fact, you may do whatever it takes to win, saying things like, ‘It’s a matter of principle – I’m not backing down; that’s a sign of weakness.’  This is a win/lose approach.

Collaboration

Are you focused on getting everyone’s needs met? You see conflict as a problem needing a solution and want to work with the other party to resolve it. You look beyond people’s position and explore their underlying concerns, ensuring you don’t get your needs met at the expense of others. This is a win/win approach.

Compromise

Do you sit on the fence when it’s time to find a solution to conflict? You’re neither competitive nor accommodating, so you might be willing to compromise on your needs, if the other party compromises on theirs. You are neither collaborative nor avoiding, because while you don’t necessarily deal with the issues in any great depth, you don’t avoid them completely. Your focus is on splitting the difference or looking for the quick middle ground that will do. This is neither win/win nor lose/lose and can  be a place of stalemate or no deal.

Moving Forward

Nothing is ever too difficult. It’s all a question of having the skills and flexibility to adapt. In handling a ‘difficult’ person you may move through several of the modes mentioned above depending on where the each of you start. Here are some questions to help you move forward:

• What are your default responses in a conflict situation?
• Do you recognise any of these responses in others?
• What are your next steps in handling ‘difficult’ people more effectively?

If you are facing a difficult situation that you would like to talk through email me at Dawn@aurora4success.co.uk.

“Be proactive. Proactive people work on the things they can do something about.” 

Stephen Covey

The 4 C’s of Courageous Conversations

I first came across the term courageous conversation some years ago when I first heard David Whyte speak. At the time I was struck by what this meant and it forced me to think about where I had had a courageous conversation, if at all!

I realised I had and more importantly I recognised that there was one I was avoiding, and that was a conversation with myself.

My invitation to you, today, is to consider the same question. With whom do you need to have a courageous conversation?

Where are things not proceeding the way you want them to go? Where do you need to step in and stop the conversation that you are having now – even though you don’t know where to go next?

In considering this it could be with someone at work, someone at home, someone in your community, if you are running a business it may be a conversation with your business, or it could be a conversation with yourself.

It’s not your every day conversation

• It’s a conversation that you have to be really present for.
• It’s a conversation where you have to speak candidly, without any defensiveness.
• It’s a conversation where you face reality.

The fact that it’s called courageous implies that there is an element of danger either for you, or the person or people you will be talking to.

And … as we are all unique human beings, danger can mean many things to many people ranging from; giving someone some feedback that you know they are not going to like hearing; to loosing your job; and ultimately through to life or death scenarios (although this is rare in many organisations today).

To help you prepare for this conversation here are the 4 C’s to consider:

Courage: You have to be brave and stand up and make it happen.  Face reality, challenge assumptions, including your own, and have the courage to ask the question no one else wants to.

Confidence: Be self-assured and know that the time is right.  In the words of Martin Luther King “the time is always right to do what is right.” Be confident to sit with silence that may arise and to ‘not know’ where to go or what the solution is.

Control: You have to be in control of your emotions, which means you have to be present in the here and now, centred and calm. Be curious not judgemental, and speak candidly without creating defensiveness, so that what you say is delivered in a way that feels positive.

Choice: This runs through all of the 3 C’s above. You are at choice in all that you do:

• Choose to be courageous
• Choose to be confident
• Choose to be in control of your emotions
• Choose to have the conversation

Courageous conversations foster creativity; strengthens relationships and more importantly allows you to be the leader in your life.

Good luck! I’d love to hear how you get on.

"It's not the day you have to manage... but the moment. It's not the dragon you have to slay, but the fear. And it's not the path you have to know, but the destination."

Mike Dooley

Skills to Rely on When your Best Communication Efforts Fail

Communicating what you want to say in the most appropriate way is an art form.  I’ve also learned, through lots of good and not so good experiences, that it’s a continual journey of discovery.

No two situations are identical, no two people are the same and it’s very easy for us to get stuck in a mode of doing what we have always done because it’s easy.

Is it any wonder that things go wrong? People misinterpret what we say and this can lead to the wrong actions being taken and the person or people on the receiving end being offended, confused or filling in the gaps in some way.

So what can you do to put things back on track?

Take 100% Responsibility

The very first thing you can do is take 100% responsibility for your communication. It may well be that the person misinterpreted what you were saying and the question still remains - how could you have made your message clearer?

In my last blog I mentioned intention vs. impact. Did the impact (result) of your communication match what you intended? If not, then it really is your responsibility to ‘put things right’. Only you know what you are trying to say and the result you were hoping to achieve.

Start by asking your self these questions:

1. What aspect of what I was communicating was misunderstood?
2. Was it the content I miss-communicated or was it the way I communicated it? Consider here both the method you used and the tone with which it was delivered.
3. Did I consider the person on the receiving end? Their level of knowledge, experience, style and way of working.

Having asked these questions one of two things are likely to result:

• You re-communicate admitting you mistakes or new insights, or
• You apologise

Whichever is required ensure you give some considered thought in what you say. Here are a few tips to help you on your way.

Effective apology

An effective apology needs to be sincere and specific, so be clear about what you are apologising for as generic apologies can come across as insincere. This is not about you ‘taking the blame’ it is simply acknowledging the impact of what you have or haven’t communicated. It’s not about excuses either!!

Re-Communicate

        

Take a moment and revisit the situation so that you can clarify exactly what you meant to say.  When our emotions get in the way, they can create obstacles to understanding and get us off the message we are really trying to convey.

Revisit the situation with your colleague or colleagues to clarify your message.

If you know the way you communicated is the cause of the breakdown offer a solution while acknowledging your development point. A development point is a personal challenge that you may be working to manage or overcome, which admittedly may have only been brought to your attention through this incident.  For instance, if you have a tendency to get impatient when you are nearing a deadline, you may be working on finding ways to keep a proper perspective so that you don’t create an uncomfortable environment for yourself and others.  Your impatience is your development point, and you must acknowledge it when you are looking to ‘build bridges’.

"Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love." 

Miguel Angel Ruiz