Meet the Gremlins

As a leader you have to set the tone and the standards in your environment.

When things are going well this seems easy and you make real progress. However, every once in a while we hit a bump in the road or a roadblock, and people, more often than not, create these.

It’s at times like these that you are tested. Can you keep your calm, credible persona and continue to maintain the tone and standards of behaviour you have established?

Easier said than done right? Particularly if you are under pressure to deliver something to a deadline or at a crucial part of the project when key decisions are to be made.

Dealing with these bumps and blockages (real or imagined) is about being able to step back and see the patterns rather than be sucked in to the whirlpool of emotions.

If you can see that all relationships have a pattern then you can begin to spot what is going on when relationships become a little ‘testing’.

• What role do you each take on?
• How are you stereotyping each other?
  
  
   

The Gremlins

Let me introduce you to 4 possible gremlins you may meet in these situations. These descriptions come from the work of Virginia Satir who identified 4 universal patterns of fear driven communication.

The Blamer –Gremlin number one tends to put fault on the other person and point a finger, making judgements about what is happening. This kills listening and understanding and can trigger defensive or aggressive behaviour in the receiver.

The Placator – This gremlin is likely to appease the other person to avoid anger, fear, being rejected, disliked and disagreed with. They can be seen as ‘yes men’, wanting to be everyone’s friend and won’t tell you that they disagree with you. The danger here is they could walk away and then share with others the degree to which they disagree and potentially sabotage your plans.

The Computer – The behaviour to look for here is someone hiding behind words and ignoring any threats, hoping they’ll go away. They can come across as super reasonable as they have all the data and may hide behind this insisting on being correct. After all accuracy is king!

The Distracter – These tend to hide by changing the subject and change their minds even faster, so may seem unfocused. They dramatise and can be exhausting to deal with and it may feel like you’ve been hit by a whirlwind. Keeping people confused covers up their uncertainty.

So now that you have some indicators to be able to spot these gremlins how can you begin to stop them from disrupting your path?

Leading the way

Gremlins are triggered by fear, fear of being left out, fear of being out of control, feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, not recognised…

If you can keep your head and begin to recognise these behaviours you build your flexibility and ability to influence. So, here are my suggested steps to get these relationships back on track. 

• Self-management. The moment you feel your own gremlin(s) starting to surface – STOP! Press the pause button, take a step back and focus on what is actually happening externally. It’s rarely personal so look at the situation objectively. 

• Get curious. See things for what they are and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you were them, what might you be thinking? What might you be fearful or uncertain about? What might be driving the behaviour you are seeing? 

• Self-reflection. Are you being clear about what you are communicating? Have you provided enough information to engage people? Have you congruently asked for what you want? What assumptions are you making? 

• Start a dialogue. Be prepared to explore the situation to understand what is happening and seeking agreement on how best too move forward. Seek feedback and create an environment that makes it easy for people to do this. 

Leadership is always work in progress and we can always learn from each other, so feel free to share your own experience of managing your own gremlins below.

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

Marcus Aurelius

Managing your irritation

How often do you find that you are irritated at work?

More importantly what do you do to manage or mask your irritation?

Do you know how you show up when you are irritated?

Do you even care?

As a leader you are on show all of the time. People are constantly making assessments about how you are, whether you like it or not. If you are thinking one thing and saying another people pick up on this. Therefore you need to make every action and interaction count to have the exact impact that you intended.

Easy right?

WRONG!

After all you are human and we all have our idiosyncrasies. However, as a leader you set the tone for your team and organisation so you do have to model the behaviour you expect from others.

You need to be clearer than most about your intentions and mindful as to whether the impact you are creating matched those intentions. In my experience this is usually easier when things are going well than when they are not. And when they are not you have to be a master of self-management

Managing your state

Managing your own state is an art and far easier when things are going well and you are feeling fresh.

When you’re tired you’re more likely to be reactive – less considered.

When you’re in a new environment you’re likely to be hyper alert or stressed – looking for cues to ‘feel’ safe.

So what can you do to manage your state when you are irritated?

1. What happens to you physically? Notice if your head tilts in any way, what happens to your shoulders? My guess is your breathing is shallower too.
2. What’s the emotional tone? Name it and then identify what you want it to be instead. For example instead of being irritated you may want to feel calm, patient or relaxed.
3. Now, make the physical changes that will allow you to ‘take on’ that state. We all know what it feels like to be calm and you’ll notice that you take on a different physical shape to being irritated.
4. And finally, practice, practice, practice... The way to learn is through practice and one that interrupts old behavioural patterns is going to be longer lasting and sustainable.

 

Observing others

Leadership is about connection and taking others with you. You have to work at establishing good connections to create great collaboration.

Do you adapt your style to your audience?

Are you clear about what you want to achieve with the various people you work with?

Are their reactions and responses what you expected? 

If not what can you do to adapt and create a greater connection and understanding?

If your message isn’t getting across there is something you have to change to get people on board, to put it across in a way that helps them.

As a leader your job is about changing the experience of life at work - making the difficult easy and the uncomfortable comfortable, to create an engaged workforce. Being irritated doesn’t allow you to operate at your best to achieve this. So next time you feel irritated, even if it’s only a little try out what I’ve suggested and let me know what happens.

Don’t let people; places and things determine your moods. Take charge of how you feel each and every day.

Michael Barbarulo

Attention - most scarce resource facing leaders today!

In a world of 24/7 activity where there appears to be very little, if any, time to switch off it’s no wonder that we feel overwhelmed and overloaded with information. We can find out almost anything at the press of a button.

I was recently reading an article from McKinsey claiming the scarce resource leaders have to manage today is their attention. The article goes on to lay out a set of capabilities about how to organise work to allow people to think. If you want to read more you can find the article here:

However, in this blog I’m hoping to provide you with some insight into what you can do to change this. What can you do to take control of your attention and help your team to do the same? 

Training your brain

Being overloaded with information leads to distractedness, confusion and poor decision making. We become paralysed by analysis and endless debate resulting in inefficient and sometimes ‘bad’ decisions and a feeling of standing still or worse being stuck!

Because your attention is fragmented you don’t quite know where to put your focus first. Your brain is flooded with data.

The thing is our brains are not designed to do more than one thing at once. As soon as it becomes overloaded it slows down and uses more of our energy (glucose and oxygen). Prioritising is actually one of the brains most energy hungry processes!

Your best quality thinking lasts for a limited amount of time, which is why at certain times it’s harder to concentrate, or even think straight.

So, how can you organise yourself so that you do your best quality thinking at the right time and deliver better results?

 Managing your attention

Here are my top 5 tips to help you manage your attention and as a consequence your energy.

•   Make a list

As one of my coaches used to say ‘Your brain is a thinking device not a storage device’. If you’re one of those people who prides themselves on being able to remember everything, bear in mind you are using a lot of your brains thinking capacity to do this. If you’ve things ‘to do’ write them down and get them out of your head so you can use your brain for it’s best work: planning, problem solving and communicating.

•   Breathe

Take a long deep breath (or two). Breathe from your diaphragm and loosen your jaw. You can do this as you are walking and if you do you may notice you slow down a little. This is OK! What this action initiates is a kick start for your parasympathetic nervous system. This calms you down and helps you think more clearly. There is a lot more science behind this but this will do for now.

•  Decide when your best thinking time is

I’m a morning person and I know this is when I do my best thinking, so if I have some important thinking to be done this is when I schedule it. Determine what works for you and allocate your meetings that require your best thinking, or attention rich tasks, to these times of the day. An example of this would be anything that requires new concepts or anything you haven’t experienced before - picturing something you haven’t seen before takes a lot more effort from your brain.

I know scheduling these things to your best thinking time isn’t always possible and if you know you’re out of sync you can prepare yourself in a different way.

•  Embed repetitive tasks where you can

Thinking about problems when it relates to things we have experienced before or seen is easy. So if there is anything that you can make a routine – do it! This helps it become ingrained in your brain (and your body) requiring less “thinking capacity”.

•      Remove distractions

Distractions simply add to the information and data in your brain that will send you into overload. You need to become really good at setting boundaries and saying no, or no not now. This may seem harsh, or selfish, and people will get used to it and it is about you operating at your best, so it will be a win/win on all sides in the long run.

Next steps

If you are feeling overwhelmed and know that you are not being as attentive as you know you can be try this out for two or three weeks and let me know how you get on.

If you know, like world class athletes, that additional support helps you become more aware, effective and impactful send me an email to set up a discovery call and we can explore your needs and how I may be able to help you.

"In every day, there are 1,440 minutes. That means we have 1,440 daily opportunities to make a positive impact." 

Les Brown 

The problem with goal setting… 3 common mistakes

We are at that stage in the year where most of the organisations I work with are

coming towards the end of their financial year and starting to get their heads around next year’s goals.

Whether you are an individual considering your own goals for the coming year, or a leader considering the team or organisational goals, you have the opportunity to set yourself up for a positive or negative spiral.

If the goal involves a positive reward the expectation of a reward can have an impact on your mood and the way you think about things, building momentum and motivation as you progress.

Whereas if the goal involves you moving away from a problem you will spend a lot of time focussing on the problem itself rather than solutions. This can draw you into a negative spiral facing all the reasons why it exists in the first place and all the things that are place that help create it. It can sometimes feel overwhelming and difficult before you even get started!

Setting the right goal is like a gift that keeps on giving – you continue to get positive benefits all the while you head towards it. This is easier said than done. Being able to establish simple, motivational goals takes practice.

In my experience many people make the following mistakes:

Time

The first mistake is that not enough time is given to the process. It’s seen as a task, or worse still a chore that has to be done. It’s either put off until the last minute to the exercise, or squeezed in to your diary to get it done and out of the way. In both of these circumstances not a lot of thought is given to really consider what the focus will be and how to language the goal appropriately.

 

Set some quality time aside to consider what it is you really want to achieve. What will make a difference to your strategy and is it achievable?

What is missing in your activities that will take you further towards your vision?

Take some time to really craft how you word your goal(s) using positive language and meaningful measures (see below).

 

Problem Focussed

The second mistake is that often goals are structured around solving a problem rather than creating a solution.

For example we’re not hitting or profit targets, or a drop in customer numbers, or  a system problem. This is no surprise as our brains are wired to find and fix problems. Problems are easier to find and identify with so we get side tracked and drawn in to looking for them. We are often really clear about what the problem is whereas we don’t always know what the solution could be.

This causes us to use more negative language, or language focussed on fixing the problem. On a personal level we use language such as; lose weight, don’t smoke, don’t fight, stop drinking…. This simply encourages us to focus on the problem.

The way around this is to focus on the solution you are trying to create. A question I often ask is what do you want instead of the problem? This way you build a world around the solution you want to create – even if you’re not sure what this will be exactly. Using the above examples you might focus on a particular dress size, level of fitness, the type of relationship you want…

A goal written this way allows you to visualise what you want and connect with it. You brain will then register what you’re aiming towards and you’ll start o feel good as you make progress towards it.

        

Results Focussed

Mistake number three is that we often establish measures for the end result. This is great and certainly better than no measures at all. However, if we want a ‘gift that keeps on giving’ it’s worth setting up some measure that let you know you are making progress.

• What would be the first sign that you are on track?
• What small achievements do you notice along the way?
• How do you see people responding?
• What are people saying?
• How do you feel?

These may be tangible (qualitative) results or more quantitative - how people are responding and behaving or the general mood.

So before you start to consider your goals set aside some quality time and focus on the solution you want to create. If you’ve already started the process go back and review what you’ve written.

Remember it takes practice to write positive motivational goals.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.

‘Whatever the mind can conceive and believe the mind will achieve.’

Napoleon Hill

The one thing most people forget to consider in goal setting and New Year resolutions

Are YOU ready?

The reason we don’t achieve goals is often because they aren’t important enough for us to commit to them, or because we have some pattern of behaviour that prevents us from achieving them.

So, before you ‘fall off the wagon’ with your New Year goals I thought I’d share some of the areas you may want to explore before you fall prey to some of your unconscious patterns.

Your brain is fundamentally lazy and will follow the path of least resistance and our unconscious patterns are so ingrained that they work on autopilot. We (our brain) don’t even have to think about them. However, they are usually triggered by an event or situation. Think about your morning routine you don’t really think too much about what you’re doing because your pattern (routine) is fully embodied and you are pretty much operating on autopilot.

This is just one example and there will be many more throughout your day, so I put together some questions to hopefully prevent you from sabotaging your future achievements.

Spotting potential obstacles – 5 questions to accelerate your success 

1) What is your perceptions of your goal? Do you think this will be easy of hard? Is it going to be fun? On a scale of 1 – 10 how much do you want it where 10 is high and one is low.

If you consider your goal difficult to achieve break it down so it appears more manageable. How can you make it more playful?

2) What excuse are you making about getting started, or staying on track? Some excuses might be:

• I’m not quite ready yet, I need x, y or z in place before I can make a start.
• I haven’t found the time to fit this in/make it happen.
• Someone else hasn’t given you what you need yet.

If you find you are making excuses the chances are it’s not important enough for you, or you’ve hit another obstacle. In which case read on…

3) What sabotage patterns are you running? Here are just a few examples:

• Keeping busy so you don’t have time.
• Agreeing to do things for others without considering the impact to your own commitments.
• Relying on others to make things happen for you.
• Following your ‘old’ routines/patterns…

 What is triggering this behaviour? Pay attention to what, where, when this is triggered. Is it a particular thought you have that is conflicting with where you want to get to (your goal) or how you feel at a particular moment in time, or when you are in a certain place or with a particular group of people.

Once you’ve identified the trigger, what can you do to avoid these situations or think differently about them?

It may take you some time to identify the trigger, particularly if it’s one of your unconscious patterns, and I’d encourage you to stick with it. The more aware you become of what you’re doing automatically the more you are likely to change.

4) What changes do you need to make either in your self, or your environment in order to ensure you achieve your goal in the long term? (See your answers to the questions above).

5) What support do you need to achieve your goal? We all need encouragement and support to keep going, who can you ask for support to ensure you stay accountable? Who may be able to join you? How can you make it more fun?

When we set goals, or intentions, or New Year resolutions we are aiming for a future that we don’t yet have and there will always be an internal battle between your present self and your future self.

Staying ‘on track’ requires self-discipline, a muscle that needs to be exercised regularly. It’s easy to forget what you are aiming for when your present self is here and now, which is why identifying your own self-imposed obstacles can make a difference.

"The ultimate reason for setting goals is to entice you to become the person it takes to achieve them."

Jim Rohn