When Not Influencing is the Right Influencing Style to Adopt

Have you ever been in a situation where you are trying to influence a peer or a group and nothing seems to be working? You have applied all the techniques you know from persuasion, to listening, painting a picture of the new way to assertiveness and still you seem to be making no difference.

This may be for a number of reasons. The other person is distracted, the timing isn’t right, there may be a degree of tension in them as well as you…

It’s at times like these the most effective thing to do is disengage in some way, to temporarily withdraw.

Disengaging can help you maintain focus and prevent you from being distracted by side issues. You can conserve energy for the more important issues.

Here are some of the tactics you could employ:

Postpone

• Use this tactic when you are not prepared and need time, for example, delay a meeting.
• Do not insist others meet with you if they are not ready or under stress.
• Give yourself permission to change your mind about an appointment, a decision, delay the action to think it over.
• Take as much time as you need – particularly useful if someone is trying to pressure you. 

Facilitate

This is particularly helpful if there are several people involved. 

• Try to mediate confrontations that you are not part of – be the cool one.
• When things are not going well in a meeting step back from the situation and try or change it with interventions such as “we seem to have trouble making progress. It seems we have stopped listening to each other.”

Change the subject

• In meetings where caustic comments are made or there are obvious signs of irritation, use humour or another diversion to lessen the tension or emotion. Emphasise areas of agreement.
• When energy starts to decrease or people are becoming frustrated return to an earlier point or start another line of discussion that you think will be more helpful.
• When someone becomes more familiar than you’d like keep topics focussed on business.  

Take a break

• When you feel you are being overloaded tell the other person you need a few moments alone.
• In a meeting where there are indications of fatigue or stress, or the conversation is going around in circles suggest a break.

Disengaging as an influencing technique can only work when it’s a deliberate tactic and should not be confused with avoiding where you would:

• Minimise or dismiss a difference in opinion
• Change your own position
• Withdraw to avoid conflict or confrontation
• Side step the issue suggesting bureaucratic procedures or
• Defer to others to avoid the issue

Model the behaviour you want others to use and practice:

• If you have a tendency to make sarcastic comments or get involved in arguments, employ some self-restraint
• If you get overly involved and lose efficiency, step back and give yourself room to think
• If you have a tendency to meet everyone else’s need and not your own try to obtain a balance, postpone and take more breaks

"Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye."

Samuel Johnson

The Good the Bad and the Ugly of Seeking Feedback

Over the years, working with hundreds of leaders in business, I have found that people are hungry for feedback and yet most people don’t ask for it.  When they do they are often not clear and ask questions like:

• How did I do?
• Can you give me some feedback?
• What can I do differently?

In this blog I have provided some tips on what you can do to get great feedback – the good, and what to avoid – the bad and the ugly….

The Good

The only way to improve and be a better leader is to receive great feedback and then put into practice what is appropriate for you to be the leader that you want to be.

Start by getting really clear what it is you want feedback on. When you know this make a very clear request in positive, concrete, action language and ask for what you actually want e.g.

” I have a request for you.” (This usually grabs people’s attention and they will stop and listen).

"I have written this presentation and I’d like you to critique it in the following way:

Does it meet the needs of the target audience?" (Be sure to tell them who the target audience is)

"What do you think the key messages are?

What if anything can I do to make it clearer in the two areas above.”

This is just one example of what a request for feedback might be and how to be clear about what you want. 

If you are working at improving the way you influence stakeholders be really clear about what it is you want feedback on; is it your voice tone, volume, the way you sit and stand, the language you use etc.

Always be prepared to ask for what the other person would suggest to make it even better ensuring you get specific actions that will help you.

Remember too you don’t always need to take it on board.

The Bad

Here are some common mistakes people make;

1. Asking in a vague and abstract way using ambiguous phrasing. The clearer you are about what you want the more likely you are to get it. 
2. Approaching the person they want feedback from in a sheepish way, making little eye contact and speaking quietly.
3. Skirting around the issue by talking generically about what you are working on and saying you would like feedback and not being clear that you want feedback from this person.
4. Being too direct so that your request comes across as a demand!

The Ugly

Here are some indicators to let you know you need some help in how you go about seeking feedback:

• You don’t actually know what you want, therefore don’t know what to ask for.
• You ask the wrong person for feedback. This may be someone who is not experienced enough on the topic you or simply not very good at giving feedback.
• You ask for what you don’t want e.g. I don’t want feedback on the content but anything else would be useful….
• You just don’t ask making the assumption no news is good news… 

If this criteria applies to you ensure you get support from someone who is really good at asking for feedback, or get a good coach.

What I do know is that people rarely say no when you take the time to seek their input. They may not be able to offer you anything right there and then, but they will generally comply if you enter into a conversation with them.

Be the leader in your life and always ask for what you want – it brings greater clarity to everyone around you.

“Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.”

Marshall B. Rosenberg