When Not Influencing is the Right Influencing Style to Adopt

Have you ever been in a situation where you are trying to influence a peer or a group and nothing seems to be working? You have applied all the techniques you know from persuasion, to listening, painting a picture of the new way to assertiveness and still you seem to be making no difference.

This may be for a number of reasons. The other person is distracted, the timing isn’t right, there may be a degree of tension in them as well as you…

It’s at times like these the most effective thing to do is disengage in some way, to temporarily withdraw.

Disengaging can help you maintain focus and prevent you from being distracted by side issues. You can conserve energy for the more important issues.

Here are some of the tactics you could employ:

Postpone

• Use this tactic when you are not prepared and need time, for example, delay a meeting.
• Do not insist others meet with you if they are not ready or under stress.
• Give yourself permission to change your mind about an appointment, a decision, delay the action to think it over.
• Take as much time as you need – particularly useful if someone is trying to pressure you. 

Facilitate

This is particularly helpful if there are several people involved. 

• Try to mediate confrontations that you are not part of – be the cool one.
• When things are not going well in a meeting step back from the situation and try or change it with interventions such as “we seem to have trouble making progress. It seems we have stopped listening to each other.”

Change the subject

• In meetings where caustic comments are made or there are obvious signs of irritation, use humour or another diversion to lessen the tension or emotion. Emphasise areas of agreement.
• When energy starts to decrease or people are becoming frustrated return to an earlier point or start another line of discussion that you think will be more helpful.
• When someone becomes more familiar than you’d like keep topics focussed on business.  

Take a break

• When you feel you are being overloaded tell the other person you need a few moments alone.
• In a meeting where there are indications of fatigue or stress, or the conversation is going around in circles suggest a break.

Disengaging as an influencing technique can only work when it’s a deliberate tactic and should not be confused with avoiding where you would:

• Minimise or dismiss a difference in opinion
• Change your own position
• Withdraw to avoid conflict or confrontation
• Side step the issue suggesting bureaucratic procedures or
• Defer to others to avoid the issue

Model the behaviour you want others to use and practice:

• If you have a tendency to make sarcastic comments or get involved in arguments, employ some self-restraint
• If you get overly involved and lose efficiency, step back and give yourself room to think
• If you have a tendency to meet everyone else’s need and not your own try to obtain a balance, postpone and take more breaks

"Distance has the same effect on the mind as on the eye."

Samuel Johnson